Initiations and other things, like madness, falling leaves in spring.

I don’t know why I sit here, typing away as I do, listening to music and loading my mind with questions.  but something has pressed me to type this morning.  It is of course some time near 3 am, which has become an oddly common hour for me to be awake at lately for some reason. Some nights I can not sleep, less I do something like this, where I type out some form of extended ramble about some kind of issue in my life.

For some, you may know that I frequent a local magic group called Reno Magic. Tonight I did a formal initiation for two things, one of which was taking responsibility for myself and what I can do, the second as an “oath” to the gods, spirits and ancestors I work with. I don’t know how much will change, if anything really. I have been on this road, doing such things already for a period of time longer than I tend to think back to. There was some work prior to that, that I helped in that I’m not going to mention because of the personal nature of it, but to put it, it was for someone elses benefit, and I poured in as much as I could because of my connection to that person.  It messed up my body… I knew I over did it but….even if there is no pay off for me, I was willing to hurt myself tonight to do  what I could to keep the energy high enough to help them.

I feel so tired. white Stag, cougar, and the usual, Coyote and Hel all joined in tonight.

I came back to my dorm after my usual walk from the car, which was full of aggressive, violent, sometimes angry thoughts.  I don’t know why, it was just like the anger wanted to come out and play after being left out for so long tonight. I spent a long half hour in the shower, first washing the residual ritual energies off of me, which took only about five minutes, but then I had a long conversation with my deep self about everything. this conversation of course was also between bouts of overwhelming anger, depression and occasional masochistic punch to the tiled wall for the sake of riding the sweet sweet drug that pain can be.

If I had to live in the social norm Reality, I think I would seriously blow my brains out.

my job…my job is to bring joy and happiness and humor to people, to make their lives better, to give them tools to be creative with, to give them weapons so that they may defend their happiness and bring them victory when they seek their happiness.

I sometimes feel pride, when I succeed. The rest of the time…I feel lonely. I feel like a ghost. I feel this deep pit inside my chest that hurts every time I give a thought to relationships, to love, to the mere idea of talking to someone I like. I know some would say I am young, but realize, it has been two years since my last date, and seven since my last relationship, if that is even what it could be called.  I don’t want to sound all emotional and dramatic in this, but it is just the back story to the point, which is that….maybe I don’t have a point. yeah…dont really have a point right now to give with this, just…that i realize why I go out of this body so much, why when ritual comes, I don’t just let them in, I sometimes ask for it. its so I dont have to be here, so I can just let the world pass by. As a person as Bill, I can barely function in a group, I am so introverted that I am having a hard time even handling the small number of friends at rituals. Coyote can do it just fine, and im sure the rest do to, but when I step out, I don’t have to worry about being told im too antisocial, or that my walls are too high or too defensive.  Ive tried to take down these walls for other to see who I am, I don’t know if it is working, or if maybe I actually don’t have any walls, im just a messed up guy with an ability to work with spirits and gods.

my right arm hasnt stopped shaking all night since the ritual, except for when i stepped out for Coyote, which makes it hard to use a mouse. must have burnt the nerves or run myself out of energy…..maybe I broke the sub chakras…I hope it heals up by tomorrow.

I hope more than most things, that I can sleep now.

 

 

Time Travelling Blues

Yep, looks like I’m back to titling posts with the names of songs I’m listening to while writing the post. Habit I guess, but not necessarily one of my worst ones. Not really sure if it has anything to do with this post or not, but it is a good song by Orange Goblin.

Ever had one of those days, or weeks or some period of time where you feel like you can’t trust anything?even yourself?

It’s a real bitch, isn’t it?

Recently I had one of those, and perhaps I’m still in its passing shadow, but something tells me tomorrow is going to be a much more constructive day than the last few days of this week. Something I realize is that we, as humans, and then especially we, who are spirit workers and shaman, face the ever possible potential of failing and being left with the possibility that it and everything else we feel is true or that we have experienced up to this point may be completely wrong.

The scars that mar us, that we have hidden or displayed as symbols of triumph suddenly become ghosts that make us question how and why we have them. Do they not mark us for our strengths to have survived that which left its moment in our life forever upon us? Is the wisdom gained from them worth less than a grain of salt to be taken?

truth is folks,

My scars are mine, and your scars are yours. You experienced that which gave them to you, and I experienced that which gave mine unto me. Don’t ever let anyone, including yourself, tell you that those scars are not something. Whether you see them as moments of weakness, moments of failure, or a learning experience, or even moments of triumph those scars and experiences are yours. Some scars we hide and remember in those dark moments, some we show off to our buddies that is how it always will be.

Your scars are going to leave you with biases and ideas that you probably don’t even think about, but that is because that is what they are supposed to do.

It seems for me sometimes, that when something that pertains to my scars comes up in my work, that I suddenly feel like I have to walk on eggshells around those involved.

Why? because often the situation has tended to be something few have experienced themselves, and yet I know these things far to well. but when I lodge inquiries with those others that are involved, there suddenly becomes a reason for me to question myself, even if the events are something that I’ve encountered enough over the course of time that I consider it to be a bigger portion of my practice. But in the end, I hold onto what I know from what I have gained from these scars, and with what they are, I would love to be wrong more often than right, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

so… What I guess I’m trying to say, is that if you have the scars to prove it, don’t question yourself about it and give yourself the trust you deserve for what you have done.

I guess the title does have something to do with this post, kinda. in that whole, memories and reminiscing thing.

Laterz,

Coyote

A Change of Scenery: Territory Continued and a Few Other Things

Previously I had spoken about territory. I had not really spent much time talking about how the geography and natural territoriality of some spirits factored in. Recently I took a quick jaunt over to Fort Bragg, California with my cousin. As we passed from the desert of Nevada into the mountains and trees of the Sierra’s and further towards the coast, I kept track of the territories. I realized that I began to have trouble with easily communicating with Coyote as we passed into the sprawling suburbs and cities of California, yet I found it easier to communicate with domestic Cat, Dog and Rat. Raven seemed to be the same across the board, but they are birds of every area. I recognized that the territories were due to the lack of natural species and the proliferation of the domestic species in the areas. Here in Nevada, Coyote covers so much of the land, and even into many rural and suburban spaces, making less room for non native species to have a real foothold.

Mostly just an observation, may or may not mean much.

So on to a few other things.

I recently had a bad issue with horsing some spirits during our Jul festivities here in Reno.  As a shaman, I feel that not only was a line crossed personally between me and the spirit that entered me and was rather unwanted at the festival, but I also feel that my own inexperience and lack of certain precautions left me being rather unprofessional as a horse. For those that were there, they know that I was already not feeling very well, having been in a mental fog for a few hours prior to the horsing and that I should have therefor have not horsed. Granted I do know what entered me, and how it was related to what happened that night (even though I really don’t know what happened myself, I blacked out completely during the events,so I was told later by others present).

What is the moral of all that for me? a conversation with Lady Hel and some chat with Coyote and my own knowledge base~

Hel: what reason did you have to horse (that night)?

Me: well, none I guess, just thought I would open up in case you or Heimdall or whoever wanted to come and party.

Hel: And you see what happened?

Me: (nod)

Hel:I suggest you horse only when you need to. You know how to do it and for what circumstances it is called for.

So what does that mean to me? It means I have had to go to certain gods and tell them “Hey, until I get set up and some things settled, I’m not horsing during general rituals unless I am specifically asked to ask you to enter me.”

It also means that I went back to only allowing a small handful of beings to enter me as they see fit, mostly because A: I trust these spirits with my life and B: most of this group don’t leave me a choice in the matter.

so, Hel, Angrboda, Coyote, Wolf, The Moriggan, and Snow Leopard.

I’m fine with that, because the other spirits I’ve worked with, I think a new relationship is in order.

Next thing on the list,

this is more of a rant about the Catholic church, so if you don’t want to hear it, skip to the last thing.

I will never be Catholic.

I went to a funeral mass for my grandmother today. Not my scene in the first place, as I and my immediate family grieve in a silent, family way.  but I was there for some of the extended family who are Catholic and thought my grandmother would like a Catholic burial (i would firmly beg to differ about this but funerals are for the living, so whatever.)

The point is, I realized what my primary problem with both Catholics and pretty much every judeo christian/ muslim religion is.

What the hell is all this crap about constantly apologizing and asking for forgiveness and mercy from their God? I mean really? all the stuff today, other than a few statements that pissed me off, was god forgive us for this, god have mercy on us, god we want to apologize for living… I’m Pagan for that exact reason, my gods don’t want you to beg for forgiveness unless you have screwed up or slighted them. in fact, most of them seem just fine so long as you step up and accept responsibility for everything you do and realize when you mess up. its like that Meme going around “god wants you to ask for forgiveness, Odin wants you to grow up.”

Last thing,

I need a new jacket/coat.

When they Speak

As some of you may have figured, I have been going through a rough spot, even if it doesn’t feel like one to me (family member that is not long for this world and finals for college beginning). So my stress has probably been higher than I think it is, considering it has thrown my sleep into all kinds of crazy patterns. The only thing I find comforting lately has been mindless internet videos, playing Skyrim to try and relax and of course my old friend, music.

 

But that stuff is not what this post is about. What I’m going to try and talk about is the ways that the wyrd (universe), our gods, ancestors, guides, and any plethora of other spirits contact us.

 

I’m sure everyone has their stories about visions or dreams or random encounters with strangers, but for me, the one that has always gotten to me, has been that they communicate to me through comics.

 

Yeah, seriously, like comic books, graphic novels, manga, and illustrated art.

 

Some of the earliest ones I can remember, was the first Serenity Rose by Aaron Alexovich (www.heartshapedskull.com) which I bought on a whim at a book store because the art style really caught my eye and Aaron A. is the artist behind Johnenn Vasquez’s works like Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and Invader Zim. The message was hidden at the very end of the book, spoken by a character that I still really like named Vicious Whisper. She is a witch that goes around using her magic to perform music. But the words were what first got me to step out into the world as my own person, they were something like

 

“So yeah, dreams are important. And I think there are more dreamers today that ever before in the history of anything…but…they’re so afraid, so many of them. Afraid to lose all their “manageable misery.” it’s all just so…so…pathetic and selfish. Are you seriously telling me…that you would deny the world an exquisite painting…just because the cardboard firm down the street is hiring? That you’d stay out of politics because your mates would think you a twat? That the greatest secrets of quantum physics would go forever unearthed.. because your DAD thinks girls are fit only for babymaking? Does that really sound good enough for you? REALLY? MAD DEN ING! And don’t you dare tell me I’m unrealistic. I know a body’s chances of actually sinking their claws into a dream are fairly grim. But…not to try? To settle into the grey doldrums with nary a peep?”~Vicious Whisper

 

Yeah, I remember sitting in my room reading that, then going for a long walk, coming back, reading the whole thing again, and spending the week sitting around questioning what was stopping me from doing something, anything.

 

Then a few years ago, there were a duo of books, one being the manga series “Shaman King” and the other a one shot graphic novel “The Witching Hour”. Shaman King showed me some things about shamanism, gave me places to start going for research, ideas and methods I would unlikely have come up with on my own and even showed me the kind of person I often wish I was (the main character Yoh) and the witching hour brought up a theory and maybe a reason, made me think about what I do and why I do it.

 

Then there came messages like this week, I was surfing deviant art (one of my favorite art sites on all the web) on a completely unrelated topic when I came across a new artist that had done a couple tarot card pieces for some college project, and I absolutely fell in love with the star card they had done (http://rocketshoes.deviantart.com/gallery/?q=the+star#/dscn0k)

now granted I really loved it for the art work but then I did my daily card reading this morning, and it said something about subconscious and water and stuff, didn’t really make sense till I started suddenly wanting to make my own tarot deck because the deck I have sometimes doesn’t feel right for me. Then tonight, I got to thinking about the meaning behind the star card and off to the books I went.

 

Faith in dark times.

 

Yeah…something I need right now.

 

So I guess what I’ve tried to convey is two things, first thing I think I’m trying to say is to keep an eye out and stand back and think about how things have caught your interests in the past, and what they have done for your life. And second, I put in that whole long quote by Aaron A’s character Vicious Whisper just in case that is what someone needed to read to get their life moving again.

 

Well till next time folks,

Coyote

Dealing With the End and Our Job as Shaman

I have heard that many shaman do not have a close tie to their families, perhaps because of this job, perhaps for other reasons. I have a very close family, we are kin and hold strong to the values of family and honor. The first time I wanted to drink myself into unconsciousness was when I lost my grandfather about six years ago, before I was told that this is my path. Tonight, I want to, yet I know the spirits will not let me, I feel them within me and around me. Oh how a part of me wishes the news I received from my parents was but a daydream, yet…I know it was not. My dreams are too messed up for something like this.

As shamans we deal with death, maybe not all of us but to some extent the majority of us do. Usually other people, or animals as some of my peers do. Yet, when death hits close to home, when we see it coming, when we know it is not long, when we smell its familiar scent, feel the breeze that it comes on, we know where they head in the beyond. We know they go to join our ancestors and their mate, we know that when they are declining in this world that the passage to the next is like being given new life, where they are no longer restricted by the failings of these mortal coils.

Yet… I know I am human. I know that within me tonight, there is a sorrow so harsh that it numbs into a burning pain in my heart. Though perhaps… what hurts the most… is not that I am sad that another one of my kin is leaving us, and I am not angry at my gods for taking them from me…

I think what pains me…is that there are things that come to an end without there being a truly new beginning.

And even then, as I sit here in my room, with the whir of my computer’s cooling fan and the click of my keyboard, and the occasional person walking down the hall outside my dorm. I find a bit of selfish pride. I don’t want to die from my body wearing out. I know that I may grow old, but I hope my children and my grandchildren understand and they may, even halfheartedly, listen unto the stories I tell them of their ancestors, of my grandparents, of my parents, of myself, and they pass those stories on, and those stories give them pride and strength as they have done for me.

Even though I am shaman, and even if I have pledged my oath to Odin, and He has called me son, I want to die as a warrior on my own terms fighting for something true or fighting a great creature in a final test of my life’s prowess of combat skill.  I think that is the hunter within me, I want to give my final breaths to test of a hunter. knife in hand.

I want to die on my own terms,

with fire in my eyes and pride burning in my chest.

As a side note which is rather unrelated to this post. I found an interesting video, I haven’t watched the rest of them, but the video is the middle one, titled “The Journals of Knud Rasmussen” and here is the link http://www.isuma.tv/fastrunnertrilogy there is a very good couple of spots about the daughter using her powers to see her dead husband, and her father explains taboos in an interesting way.

Dreams and card readings

So I had an odd dream last night, apparently I had a white horse, and one day there was this chance that it mated with either another horse or a centaur (I kept calling this guy Satyr for some reason). So I enter the dream, (which is funny cause I usually take like a 3^rd person place in dreams this vivid) I was female, a few years older than I am in this body (I had some grey hair in with my dirty blonde). We were on some kind of ranch, maybe in Europe. I approached satyr and said “are you the father of her child?” in reference to my horse. He adamantly denied it, and already other people were gathering in the area. I saw over near a small building some brownies (little fae with brown butterfly wings and brown clothes, about two inches tall) flying around a flowering bush and walked over, “my dear fae, mayhaps you can help us determine who the father is?” I said as the people and satyr followed me.

I stood amongst the brownies and a few of them sat upon my arms and shoulders and one upon the first joint of my right hand, and I lifted him up and he whispered into my ear in Fae and I understood. I turned to the crowd and spoke “bring me a goat and some wine” I said and a young boy ran off to get these things for me. Someone in the crowd asked “who is she talking to?” and the satyr replied “invisible creatures” as if he didn’t believe in them. In fact I knew that most of the people there saw them as butterflies or moths or even not at all. I took a seat on the roll of a small ditch next to the farm building and looked up into the night sky I could feel power within me, strong and not just my own, my eyes I could feel change color, they became a wolfish gold. I reached out and caressed some flowers from the tree as I spoke “dear satyr, would you believe that there are people out there that don’t even believe that you exist?”

I woke up knowing the ritual, the goat would come, I would ask it for some of its blood, and make a small cut on its shoulder with my knife, and let a little pour into a bowl that I had, then I would cut that with the wine and light a candle placed in the middle of the bowl, and I would be able to see what the child of my horse would be, whether it was horse or other.

Then as if the dream wasn’t enough, I did my daily Amy Brown Faery deck reading.  I drew the first card, which was a card about hidden secrets and the occult and such. then as I was putting the deck away, another card caught my eye, and it was the Fae card, which spoke about connections to the fae and elementals.

so…yeah… thought I would share that and see if anyone has any comments to make about it.

First post and some stuff about territory

Well folks, here it finally is, a blog for more of my random thoughts and stuff like that. Maybe I’ll throw in a few funny videos now and then or something.  So yeah, for those of you that know me, ya all know I suck at posting things regularly, for those of you that don’t, well you do now

Now with that out of the way, I would like to make this first post about a subject I have had to deal with, yet I rarely ever see anything written about it. Also, it is something that some of my guides and a couple of gods have mentioned to me as something that kinda irks them about magick using people these days.

What I’m talking about is Territory.

Territory on our world, here in the good ole US of A, tends to be a sometimes foreign term, or one that simply refers to one’s property or mates or some abstract space in cyberspace. But on the other side, the spirit side of our world, territory can be a very serious issue. I grew up in western Montana, in an area known as the Bitteroot valley. Up there, territory was very solid for spirits. Out in the forests that surrounded each side of the valley, were long patches of land that were controlled by various groups, there were wolf controlled areas, there were bear controlled areas, there were even a few sacred spaces controlled by ancestor spirits and family descended groups of witches. Inside the cities, there were areas controlled by fae and areas controlled by covens. Then there were “neutral” places that had rules. sometimes they were written on the walls, sometimes you just got that little brain tingle that told you what the rules of the area were.

Down here in Nevada, I found that territories were much larger in some areas, such as those outside of Reno, where some are held by Coyote which is a massive territory, and yet there are some very local, such as the territory controlled by river spirits, which have a territory that is just a few yards around each side of the river. there is even a small area that is probably only a few acres that is a Fae glen. Here in the city, the territories are not so solid, but there are rules, but this is a gambling town so the rules are more like guidelines.

So what does this have to do with magic or being a shaman or a witch? and why does this irk some spirits and gods?

Well, most people tend to infringe on territorial rules, often being oblivious to their very existence. Sure the spirits often forgive for the trespasses because people bring gifts, which are taken more often as apologies then as proper offerings.  Think of how a pack of wolves handles an outsider entering their territory, then think about yourself and where you really fit into the area. Some people have the blessing of already being accepted in their local territory, while others have had the idea of making good relations with the local spirits when they move in or just out of learning that such things should be done. Though I have noticed that there rarely is ever mentioned a need for appeasing the local spirits, except in some shamanic writings or a few books on Shinto that I have read.

Story time!

When I was a young pup (well okay, so it was like ten years ago, pretty much shortly after I began down this path) I was living in Montana still. Well like I said before there are a lot of territories, especially in Missoula. So anyway, I have always had a really good way of making allies by observing the territorial protocols and paying my respects to whomever was in control of the area. Well there are also a fair amount of pagans and such up there (go figure, it’s an arts/eco college town) and like any area like that, I pissed off a fellow pagan and his group over some mediocer thing (honestly I don’t even remember what I did, probably told him he was an idiot or something, he really was.) Anyway he and his group decides they are going to attack me one day while I am up there in Missoula ( I actually lived in Stevensville, it was a small town that was about a 30 minute drive away).

Well one of those allegiances payed off that day, you see I was in a book store in an area controlled by some psychic vampires that I was rather good acquaintances with both territorially and in person, when this guy and a few of his group buddies decide to astrally project into the bookstore to try some kind of attack and hex. Well because of the way that those wonderful Vamps had their territory set up, they knew that something was going down before I did, and just as the guy tried to hit me with whatever it was he was thinking about hitting me with, the whole group of vamps came down on him like a cartoon piano. By then I actually recognized what was happening and was actually quite surprised that the vamps had done that for me. It was later that I found out that they had rules in their territory that dictated that all magic and psychic attacks against people inside their territory had to be approved by them.

But you are probably wondering how I made an alliance with them? That was easy, I recognized the astral markings they posted at their boundaries, and as I entered the area for the first time as a shaman, I let my mind go out and I announced who I was and what my intentions were. I was greeted by a few warnings and a general welcome. From then on, I simply observed their rules when inside their territory and eventually one day I was online and met them and then we went an had coffee and so on.

So in conclusion a little bit of advice, try and look at were you are territorially, and what territories you may have infringed or what spirits you may have pissed off in the past. Cause you may just be surprised about what a little observation of local territorial rules can gain you.

till next time,

Coyote